Someone to Love Read online

  The maid walked in as she was leaving.

  ‘Madam, are you going somewhere?’ the maid asked, staring at her black eye.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘When will you be back?’

  ‘Never,’ she replied with quiet authority.

  12

  Koyal sat there, feeling she had made the worst decision of her life by coming back home.

  ‘So you have left him?’ her father, careworn and grave, asked incredulously. ‘And you won’t tell us why?’

  She looked down, the tone of her father’s voice making her feel smaller than anything her husband had ever said or done.

  He grunted and looked at his wife of thirty years.

  ‘Is there anything, Priya, you think, this girl has still to do to bring more shame to our family?’

  ‘Don’t say that, please,’ her mother pleaded in a weak half-whisper. The gloomy meeting was taking place in Koyal’s mother’s room. The room she was withering away in, dying in front of their eyes. They were all sitting around her bed. Tubes and machines that cleaned her blood and kept her alive were all around them, casting an omnious shadow over the little family meeting.

  ‘Okay, so wait, let me get this straight,’ her brother now chipped in. ‘Is this the guy we all asked you not to marry?’

  She remained silent and hung her head.

  ‘Answer him!’ her father shouted.

  ‘Don’t do this,’ her mother pleaded, but no one heard her.

  ‘Answer your bhaiya,’ her father shouted again.

  ‘Yes,’ she said in a small voice.

  ‘And you still went ahead?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And now you want a divorce?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you won’t tell us anything apart from the fact that he doesn’t treat you well?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Because someone like you should be treated well?’ he asked.

  She looked up, startled.

  ‘Don’t do this, beta,’ her mother said, closing her eyes since she couldn’t bear to watch this.

  ‘Because someone like you should be treated well?’ he asked again and he looked at his wife and laughed. ‘Do you have a plan now?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘No? Or is it another of the things you won’t answer?’

  She stayed silent.

  ‘You have tested our patience too many times for us to have any faith in you. You do realize you don’t have an education to fall back on?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Oh, are we talking about the engineering degree you left midway?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said in a humiliated whisper.

  ‘The one we all begged you to complete?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘The one you wouldn’t even tell us why you decided to leave unfinished, just like that, one fine day?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, looking down, while a part of her, the part that believed she deserved all this, enjoyed the humiliation.

  ‘You told us you did not want to speak to Atharv, and did we do as you had said?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You told us to have nothing more to do with his entire family, did we do as you said?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did we keep asking you tell us if he had done something?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did you give us an answer?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Did you have an answer?’ Koyal remained silent. ‘You led to believe he had wronged you in the worst way possible?’ he continued.

  ‘Yes,’ she said.

  ‘Did you answer any question we asked you about the episode?’

  ‘No.’

  Koyal brother’s eyes hardened. ‘And then when you married Amit, did we ask you to consider everything?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did you say you liked him?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you have any, any money at all?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘And now no husband to provide for you?

  ‘No.’

  ‘And no child to call your own?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you have friends who can help you in any way?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Is it another of those stupid, senseless decisions you take that we have to support just because we happen to be your family? And again, might I add, without even telling us exactly why?’

  ‘Don’t do this,’ Priya tried again but no one paid any heed.

  ‘And you want us to help you again?’ her brother asked.

  She looked up, tears flowing down her cheeks.

  ‘Yes, please,’ she said, every syllable dripping with humiliation. ‘I have no one else to turn to.’

  ‘Don’t you think you have brought enough shame to us already? Look at our parents – Mummy is on dialysis and Daddy has spent his entire life cleaning up after you. You want us to do more?’

  She looked down at her hands, silent, letting the tears do the talking.

  ‘Beta…’ her mother tried again.

  ‘You have been so selfish,’ her brother started again, ‘and I am tired, completely tired of continuously trying to understand you. I hate being your brother, I hate—’

  ‘Shut up!’ Priya shouted, cutting in. ‘Everyone, shut up!’

  The sheer power and authority in the voice, and the fact that it was coming from someone who had not raised her voice in the last three decades, resulted in total silence in the room.

  Four pairs of surprised eyes turned around to face Priya.

  ‘You all disgust me!’ she spat, her gentle face now red with anger. ‘Is this what I have spent my entire life creating? Family is the anchor when the waters get rough, it is a circle of strength and love. And here you are, telling your little sister that you hate being her brother? And you,’ she now looked at her husband, ‘we created these children together. If one of them needs our help, no matter what she has done in the past, will you turn your back on her now? Now, when she needs it the most?’

  ‘Priya, don’t exert yourself, I—’

  ‘Out, everyone, now,’ she said.

  Four surprised faces exchanged looks. This was the first time their gentle mother had asked them to leave a room.

  ‘Out,’ she repeated, ‘Now.’

  Stunned, they got up to leave the room when she called out again. ‘Koyal?’ Her voice was now gentler, softer.

  Koyal turned around sharply.

  ‘Ma!’

  ‘Stay back, please,’ Priya said, ‘and close the door behind you. We need to talk about you and Amit.’

  13

  ‘What did Amit do?’ Ma asked, her eyes shining with an angry light that Koyal had not seen in them since her illness. There was no escaping Ma now, she knew.

  ‘What did Amit do?’

  The word. That one word she had never been able to say out loud, almost as if not saying it out loud would make it un-happen.

  ‘Koyal Hansini Raje, you answer when your mother asks you something!’

  ‘Rape. Marital rape.’

  A gasp from her mother made her look up. Ma’s face looked white as paper and her eyes were wet. Mother and daughter stared at each other for the next few moments.

  ‘He raped me and he hit me,’ Koyal went on, breaking almost instantly into tears. ‘He made me believe I was useless.’ Koyal sobbed, the pent-up frustration, the loneliness, the hurt, findng a way out. The sobs hit the walls, echoed in the room and wrapped themselves around her in a dank blanket that offered no comfort.

  Ma looked at her and then big, fat tears began to roll down her cheeks too. ‘Oh, my poor, poor baby,’ she sobbed and opened her arms wide.

  Koyal rushed into them and when her mother gathered her to her chest, for the first time in four years, Koyal felt like she was at peace.

  For a few minutes, mother daughter stayed like that, lost in thought. And then Ma spoke. ‘Four,’ Ma said, her voice dripping with red-hot anger.

  ‘Wh … wha
t?’

  ‘It took you four years to leave that man?’ Ma spat out the words, disgust and anger written across her face.

  ‘I … I … tried to make it work … I…’

  ‘Koyal,’ said Ma, trying hard to keep herself calm, ‘if there was ever a problem with you, it was the fact that you could kill when all that was needed was a strong word. And you are telling me that you – you – tried to make that joke of a marriage work?’

  Koyal looked up.

  ‘Why did you let this happen?’

  ‘I … Ma … I felt so weak…’

  ‘Look at me, no, now, look at me now,’ Ma said, turning to her side with difficulty. ‘I will be gone soon, but don’t you dare, don’t you bloody dare to ever say that again. I did not raise a wuss.’

  Koyal looked at her mother, startled. This was the first time she had heard her swear.

  ‘Call the police.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do it now!’

  ‘Ma, no. I honestly don’t want to ever have to see him again. Please don’t make me do this. My body is exhausted.’

  Mother and daughter stared at each other, Ma’s eyes angry and Koyal’s pleading. And then, a few minutes later, when Ma again opened her frail arms wide, Koyal rushed into them. And when Koyal cried, she was, for the first time in many years, not alone.

  Her mother, weak and dying, cried with her, for her.

  ‘I died a bit today, Koyal,’ Ma said finally and Koyal wrapped her hands around her mother tighter than ever before. ‘Promise me,’ Ma said after a while, ‘that you will never be weak again.’

  ‘Ma, I don’t want to be weak again.’

  ‘I know what the problem is.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You let that bastard do what he did, because you didn’t think you deserved better.’ Koyal hung her head in shame. ‘Why, Koyal? Where has the confident girl I raised vanished?’

  ‘I don’t know, Ma, I don’t know. I am useless.’

  ‘Why are you useless?’

  ‘Ma, look at me, I have no job, no money, no education … I am just a burden.’

  ‘Okay, you don’t have those things at the moment, who says you cannot get them in the future? Do you want an education?’

  Koyal looked up, startled. ‘Yes,’ she heard herself say. ‘Desperately. More than anything else.’

  ‘What’s stopping you?’

  ‘Money.’

  ‘Open my cupboard. Open the safe, the password is 4534S. And bring the box inside to me,’ Ma said.

  Koyal looked questioningly at her mother but obediently followed instructions.

  ‘Now come and sit by my bed,’ Ma said, taking the box from her daughter. Once Koyal had settled in her chair, Ma spoke again. ‘Ignore your brother,’ she said.

  ‘He was right, anyway,’ Koyal said.

  ‘Being right and saying the right thing are two different things and he’s old enough to know the difference. However, there are other matters I want to discuss with you.’ Mother and daughter looked at each other, the life-sustaining machine beeping in the background. ‘What do you want from life now, Koyal?’ her mother asked, breaking the silence. Koyal hesitated, looking down at her hands. ‘Tell me?’ her mother prodded, her voice urgent.

  ‘I want to respect myself again, Ma,’ she said in a low voice.

  Ma smiled. ‘The only shameful thing is to be ashamed of yourself,’ she said. ‘Don’t hold on to the past, Koyal, and don’t blame yourself. What happened to you is Amit’s demon, a burden that, trust me, he will carry all his life. You will not be ashamed of yourself. You will never again feel so small that the only place you can look at is the floor.’

  ‘I feel angry, Ma,’ Koyal said, feeling some strength return to her.

  ‘Do you know what the one good thing about anger is?’

  ‘Good thing about anger?’ Koyal looked at her mother, perplexed.

  ‘It gives you strength that you never you had in you. Use that strength.’

  ‘But what if, Ma, I’m ashamed of the person I am today?’ she asked, her voice unsteady.

  ‘Then you are making the biggest mistake you can possibly make, Koyal. See yourself through my eyes and you will see your true worth.’

  Koyal shook her head. No, she was not worth anything.

  ‘What will make you feel worthy?’ Ma asked.

  ‘I want to throw Amit and everything he stood for, out of my life. I want to earn my own money … I want to be independent in every way … but … but … it’s too late for all that…’

  Ma smiled. ‘It’s never too late,’ she said. ‘And moreover, all that you have listed is very easy to achieve.’

  Koyal looked at her, surprised.

  ‘But first I need you to answer some questions for me.’

  ‘Yes, Ma.’

  ‘Do you think it is right that, despite the innumerable arguments we had, you never told me why you left your course midway?’

  ‘No, you deserved to know,’ Koyal said, shaking her head.

  Ma’s face softened. ‘Do you feel ready to talk about it now?’ Koyal stilled and when she looked up her mother was smiling. ‘You are still not ready to talk,’ Ma said.

  Koyal felt tears begin to pool in her eyes once again. No, she could not talk about it, not even now.

  ‘You were running away from someone and we all know who that someone was. Why did you marry so soon after coming back to us? I know we got the marriage proposal, but to be honest, I never expected you to say yes, Koyal.’ Koyal felt a deep pang of regret sear her heart. ‘Koyal?’

  ‘Because I hated more than I loved,’ Koyal said quietly. ‘And I have been punished for it.’

  Priya looked at her daughter for a long time.

  ‘You married out of hate?’

  Koyal nodded her head.

  ‘And despite what that bastard was doing, you decided you wanted to have a baby? Why?’

  ‘My desire to have a baby, at least in the beginning, was rooted in jealousy.’

  Priya looked at her daughter and then slowly shook her head. ‘Were there only two people in your marriage, Koyal?’

  Koyal looked up, stunned, but said nothing.

  Silence prevailed for a few minutes as both women were lost in their own thoughts. Finally Ma spoke.

  ‘I’m proud of you, Koyal,’ she said.

  Ma was being sarcastic, Koyal thought, but when she looked up and saw her mother smiling encouragingly, she felt very confused.

  ‘It’s not easy to walk out on a bad marriage, away from a man as controlling as Amit, and you did that. For that I’m proud of you.’

  A genuine word of praise. Koyal felt her throat tighten.

  ‘How foolish I was, Ma!’ she said, her voice cracking. ‘How terribly foolish.’ Koyal hugged the frail woman as tightly as she could. ‘I am so sorry, Ma, I am so sorry, for putting you and Dad through everything that I did. I am the worst daughter any girl could be, but you have been the best mother I could have asked for.’

  Priya held her daughter’s face in her hands and then wiped her tears. ‘Hatred destroys, Koyal. It burns, it anihiliates. Your hatred destroyed you once. Promise me, you won’t ever let it consume you like that again.’

  Koyal nodded.

  ‘Promise me, you’ll do whatever you need to do to not let anger make your decisions for you. It will be hard but you won’t be able to change anything in your life if you don’t conquer your anger.’

  ‘I promise,’ Koyal said, meaning it, fully aware what a big task lay ahead.

  ‘Will you promise me that you won’t shy away from hard work?’

  ‘I promise.’

  ‘Promise me that you will continue to test your boundaries?’

  ‘I promise.’

  ‘Promise me that you will believe in love.’

  There, Koyal faltered.

  ‘Love, huh?’ Koyal grimaced. ‘It destroys, Ma.’

  ‘Love sets free, love empowers, love liberates, love exhilarates. Madness de
stroys, possessiveness destroys. Hatred destroys.’ Koyal stared in wonder at her mother’s words. ‘Promise me that someday you will find someone to love?’

  Someone to love?

  ‘Promise me, Koyal, I don’t have much time.’

  ‘I promise.’

  ‘Well, then, I have a plan,’ Priya said.

  ‘What if I do something wrong, again?’

  ‘You won’t.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘I’ll be watching from above,’ Priya said gently. ‘I will be the fairy that keeps an eye on you. I will be the voice in your head that will not let you make wrong decisions. I will be the heart that will keep you brave.’ Koyal breathed deeply. Ma went on, ‘Shut the door. Now listen very carefully to me for my plan will see you through the toughest period of your life.’ Priya patted the box. ‘Part two of your life will begin with you stealing from your dead mother.’

  She winked as Koyal stared at her open-mouthed.

  PART II

  Six years later…

  And just when the caterpillar thought the end was near, it became a butterfly.

  14

  ‘Oh my god!’ Hema Chandra screamed and clutched the hand of the girl sitting next to her, as their plane seemed to nosedive.

  ‘It will be fine,’ the girl replied in a voice so gentle and calm that Mrs Chandra, who had a phobia of flying, felt an immediate relief wash over her.

  Something in the background was beeping ominously and the captain’s voice, asking everyone to stay calm, boomed through the aircraft.

  A few more minutes of turbulence, during which Mrs Chandra refused to let go of the girl’s hand, and then the plane stabilized.

  ‘That was scary,’ Mrs Chandra exhaled.

  The girl smiled sweetly but said nothing.

  Mrs Chandra had been observing the girl since she entered the aircraft. She looked like a career-driven, modern girl but she had a quietness and a calmness around her that Mrs Chandra had liked instantly.

  ‘Are you going to London for a holiday?’

  ‘No,’ said the girl, smiling.

  ‘A work trip?’

  ‘No, I have taken up a new job, so I’ll be living in London.’

  ‘Oh, you will be working in London.’